The Earth has been Walked

From the undergrowth comes the sounds of cursing, hacking, some hammering and the furious oiling of hinges. Presently, there is a great crack following by some gargantuan and sinister creaking. There follows the sound of furious coughing that gently recedes, until a final colossal slamming brings silence back into the world.

It’s been [checks; strewth!] well over a year since The Boy and I were cruelly and suddenly abducted by Scientologist Alien Terrorists and taken in stasis to their evil lair deep within Olympus Mons on Mars. There we were experimented upon for many gruelling hours; forced to watch daytime and reality TV for days on end, to eat nothing but McDonalds and Mars bars (not the same thing, btw) until we managed to escape their clutches.

We managed to lash together a pair of Mars rovers to make a space raft and, holding our breath, set course for Earth. Tragically, BoosterBoy took a meteorite to the face not two days out and was lost. No doubt he will turn up sooner or later; he was largely synthetic and oddly durable considering how little I paid for him.

The Palace had fallen into some disrepair during our incarceration, somewhat disproportionate to the period of time involved. It has taken some time to oil all the hinges and hack away the greenery and thorns that were choking the place.

More troubling was the state of the Twin Swords (of Beauty and Truth). Here, I took a leaf from the Book of Conan and after beating them off some rocks for a bit, they are now back to the lustrous and shiny best.

There has been some time for quite a lot of Unrighteousness to build up. So, let’s to work.

Politics: What is it For? Why is it Broken?

Part 1: What is Politics For?

Sounds like a straightforward question, but I don’t think it is. Let’s break it down.

Politics is the process by which groups of people make decisions, says Wikipedia, from Gk. politikos “of citizens or the state,” from polites “citizen,” from polis “city”, or, paraphrasing presidential candidate Andre Marrou, poly many + tics blood-sucking parasites.

OK, so we can agree it’s about groups of people, citizens of a city or country, making decisions. And politicians are, by derivation, people whose job it is to make decisions. The politicians are given this power by the electorate, who choose their politicians in the magical game of musical chairs that is an election.

The reason politicians exist is because if all 60m people in the country had to decide about every little item of running the country, nothing else would happen and we would all starve. So we choose the politician who, based on his campaign, we think stands for the same things we do and charge him with making these decisions for us.

When a decision needs made, the politician for a constituency votes for the course of action the majority of his constituents would have voted for. He doesn’t need to check with them, as he has already been chosen based on his campaign, so he knows that his decision reflects the desires of those who elected him. Therefore, once all the politicians vote, the outcome is the one desired by the majority of people in the country.

Doesn’t sounds familiar though, does it?

Part 2: Why is it Broken?

The reason it’s broken is because politicians are utter bastards. Lying, deceitful, spineless, backstabbing, two-face bastards. That’s the overriding reason. The sub-reasons are:

1) Politicians will say anthing to get elected,
2) Politicans will deny anything, even if it can be proven beyond doubt,
3) Politicans will ignore the wishes of their constituents and do what they want, or what they are told, or paid, to do,
4) I could go on,
5) And on and on,
6) But you get my drift,
7) They really are utter bastards, aren’t they?

Despite their parents not being married, politicians are generally of human borne, or at least the byproduct of some sordid union twixt man and beast, which means they have mothers, which means they were probably raised well and received a good education. But somewhere along the line, something must go wrong in the brain. Something gives them the notion to become a politician.

It is probably a noble notion, a desire to better society and build a better world. They go to University and read Aristotle and Plato and the pure theory of politics. They join the local party and it is probably at this point that the apples turn bad.

Somewhere in the corridors of power between local party politics and the House of Commons, idealistic do-gooders go through some heinous process that strips all goodness from their souls and replaces it with something hewn from some jet black core of purest evil that glows and pulsates and turns Little Johnny from next door into Vlad, Minister of Impaling Babies1.

It is true that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Which means that, in order for politics, in its true form, to flourish and function, we need to get rid of the politicians and decide for ourselves: cut out the middlemen.

As usual, solutions arrived at through the medium of Rant are half-baked and flawed at best, but we’re going to go with it. We will use this process in The Palace and if BoosterBoy and I get one vote each, we shall decide the matter by me impaling BoosterBoy on something sharp and I will get my way. Oh, yes, as Vlad is my witness, I will get my way…

1 Little Johnny: “Mummy, when I grow up, I want to be Minister for Impaling Babies.”
Little Johnnies Human Foster Mother: “Well, you’ll have to work hard in school. We can’t all be Minister for Impaling Babies.”