It seems de rigeur for bloggers these days to, at some point, post about their Top Ten Tips on how to create “the ultimate blog”, thereby causing everyone on the planet to visit thrice daily, subscribe to your feed and post themselves naked to you.
Typically, these posts are penned by the authors of blogs that people read. This is where this one is different. This blog never gets read. We are the self-styled World’s Least Popular Blog. With that in mind, if anyone were to do the exact opposite of everything we have done, then all of the above will come true, with the possible exception of people mailing themselves naked to you.
So, to the list.
1. Have A Good Old Rant
Get your grievances off your chest. Ignore social niceties. You’re not ranting at a person, you’re addressing the Universe. People like being shouted at. Being showered with phlegm is refreshing.
2. Ignore What Everyone Else Cares About
Your blog is for you to introduce yourself to the world. It’s the electronic equivalent of hijacking every major TV station in the world and shouting “Everyone listen to me!” instead the Nine O’clock News. This is what you care about. You don’t care what everyone else cares about.
3. Use Impenetrable Language.
The English language is a wonderful thing. The sad fact is that only a small percentage of the thousands of available words are in general circulation. Try to employ some of the wonderful but unloved words in the 90% of the dictionary that no-one ever visits. People like to be reminded of their ignorance.
4. Ignore Transient Trends
You don’t care about the reams of bytes documenting the nocturnal manoeuvrings of people who are famous for no reason, or about the results of some pointless new survey. You have no time for the miscellany of existence. You care about the big words; Society, Justice, Responsibility, Truth. Write about that. Britney Spears can shave her head clean off as far as you’re concerned.
5. Write the first thing that comes into your head
As with the answers to stupid quiz questions, the first thing that pops into your head is most likely correct, so go with it. With blogging, just start typing and don’t stop. Sure, you can spell check it after, but don’t you dare edit out all that invective you just typed. It’s out now, it can stay out.
6. Ignore Comments and Feedback
If you write what you want, albeit without intending to insult, and people comment on your invectives, ignore them. You’re writing for you, not for them. You didn’t ask for their opinion. You’re telling them what you think.
7. Whine to your friends about your lack of traffic.
If you have the good fortune to work in a tech-savvy office place, complain to your coworkers about how little traffic you get. They really, really like that. Plus, it makes them much more willing to help you with your work.
8. Trash Religion
Religion is so last millenium. If people would only wake up and realise that there is no such thing, we’d be on to a winner. You have no time for people whose eyes are fixed on paradise in the future at the expense of the reality of now.
9. Don’t write about News
The internets are full of webpages all discussing the same piece of news. Try writing about something that no-one knows about, like what you had for breakfast, or how close the girl next door came to being caught with her boyfriend last night. People don’t want News, they really don’t.
10. Don’t offer any solutions
When you’ve finished ranting and have sorted your thoughts, don’t write them down, or write them down and tell the reader that’s the rest is up to them. You’ve told them the facts; let them decide what they ought to do. You’re not giving out free lunches here.
Remember, you need to do the opposite of the above tips, OK? Just want to make that clear. If you screw it up and end up creating a blog that’s as unpopular as this one, you can link to this one, even call your blog the World’s Second Least Popular blog. Just don’t blame me.